Married three weeks and counting. Everyone asks, "How is married life?" Its OK. Its fine. Its completely overwhelming.
I have been struggling. Struggling with myself and the ideas and expectations I have put upon myself. I of course want to be a perfect wife. I want to have the perfect house. And all of that is backfiring on me.
I find myself to be frustrated, stressed out, and self conscious. Self consious because I am a second wife. I don't think about it too much- at least not on the surface, but I think subconciously it is always there. Am I better than her? Do I keep a better house? Do I treat C better? I worry about the fact that I am heavier than she is (or was - its not like we have seen her in about a year). Will C be attracted to me with this extra weight right now? Why am I so hostile?
Oh so many questions and doubts. And why? I have everything I have ever wanted. Why is that not enough? Why do I (maybe you too?) put so much pressure on myself (yourself) to be better/skinnier/more organized than I (you) already am (are)?
Can't I just be happy with myself already? Can't I be happy that I have 2 legs that work? Can't I be happy that I have a roof over my head? Can't I be happy that I have a meal three times a day? Can't I be happy that I am in love with my husband?
What is with this obsession that there always must be a 'better you ' right around the corner? Why can't we be happy with ourselves?
So, I've decided to be just that. Or at least try. Really hard. I have nothing to complain about- not even when C leaves the knife in the sink when I've asked over and over that he not.
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1 comment:
I feel you.
I struggle with striving for 'perfection', too... am still learning to accept that it's not possible all the time. plus, I read something about 'striving', and the image it conjures... pushing, straining, effort... and thought 'oh, I don't want that to be my state of being! how do I accept things gracefully and enjoy life while still being actively engaged and pressing onward?!'
all that to say that you're not alone. plus, I think it's totally natural to have post-wedding hubub 'work it out'-phase.
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